


I Solemly Swear I Regret What I've Done.

by The_Cerulean_Author



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: #maybe, Afterlife, Apologies, Battle of Hogwarts, Betrayal, Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Forgiveness, I'm Sorry, M/M, Memories, Non-Canon Relationship, Past Relationship(s), Pensieves, Regrets, Sad, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:46:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3756718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Cerulean_Author/pseuds/The_Cerulean_Author
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fanfic takes place during the battle of Hogwarts. Peter Pettigrew has gone to Dumbledore's office and found the pensieve. He uses it to look upon memories of his old friends. The Marauders. All of who are now dead besides him.<br/>These memories make him regret joining Voldemort's side and help him make the decision to be brave and turn against the Dark Lord.<br/>Cute afterlife stuff later chapters.<br/>AU where James x Sirius is canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Battle Rages.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this! :-)  
> Leave comments for any requests.

Your name is Peter Pettigrew, known as Wormtail to your master, and you are a cowardly rat. In every sense of the word.

There is a battle raging through the castle you once called home. The castle has other sentimental memories too, but they've been locked away in a forbidden corner of your mind for the last 16 years.

You slam the door of Dumbledore's office behind you and lock it to escape the brutality of the battle. You are breathing heavily and trying to distract yourself from the sounds of chaos and death downstairs. Your sole intention is surviving this battle. However long you have to hide. You distract yourself looking around Dumbledore's office, but can't bring yourself to meet the eyes of the headmaster's normally sleeping portrait. You're pretty sure he's currently glaring at you. You have a lot of reasons to feel guilty after all....

Your thoughts are disrupted as you hear a gentle clanking sound coming towards you. You look up and nearly jump out of your skin as you see a really shallow bowl with....glowing blue water(?) floating towards you.

"It's my Pensieve, Peter." 

You let out a frightened squeak at hearing the voice and dare yourself to look up at the Portrait of Dumbledore. To your great surprise, he's smiling at you. No guilt-stirring glare. Not even any disappotment. Smiling.

"why aren't you angry with me, Dumbledore?" you ask  
"because I know that you are not a bad person, Peter. I also know that, if you were to...reflect on your past, you would find it in yourself the ability to save Harry, and therefore, save Hogwarts" he smiled yet wider  
"reflect on my past....? How the hell would that help?! All I'd see were the people I love being betrayed! By me!" you yell  
"ah. So you admit that you still care about James, Sirius and Remus? That you feel you are guilty for their deaths?" he says calmly  
"of course I do! They were my best friends and would still be alive if it wasn't for me!" you slump down against the wall again "they should be the one's still alive...not me."  
"that is not true Peter. Voldemort is very powerful, more powerful than most wizards...you just weren't strong enough to resist him."  
"don't remind me." you say bitterly

"Peter Pettigrew. Your heart is in the right place if you look deep enough inside yourself. You see that what you've done is wrong. You know who's side you are /truly/ on. Look into the pensieve. Take what you learn from your memories and do what I believe you can. And what your friends believed you could. They are still with you, Peter, and they're waiting to help you. Let them in to your mind and your heart." and with a final warm smile, he closes his eyes and falls asleep once more.

You are thoroughly confused. You look at the pensieve. 'Reflect on your past....' you've been running and hiding from it for so long. Could you really bear to watch it replay before your eyes? Let alone learn anything from it? Dumbledore believed you could. Apparently so did your friends...

With shaking hands, you put the tip of your wand to your temple and draw out a long strand of silver, translucent memories. You let the memories slide into the pensieve, take a deep breath and submerge yourself in your past.

Everything goes black.


	2. The First year train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders meet for the first time.

You're sat alone in a compartment at the back of the Hogwarts Express, it's ten to eleven and you've said goodbye to your aunt already and now you're just waiting to go. These last three months have been exciting enough as it is. Getting the acceptance letter in June, getting all your school things like your robes, wand, cauldron and books in July and August. Now here you are, on the first of September, ready to go to a school of wizardry. You're positive it's going to be a million times better than every Muggle school you've been to.

You look up when someone knocks on the compartment door. A tall boy, with scratches on his face. He looks like the kind of boy to alway always have his head in a book and to never be the one to pull pranks. More than can be said about you but that's not the point.

"um, is anyone else sat in here?" he asks, his voice is gentle and kind and you immediately take a liking to him.  
"no, just me. You're welcome to come sit in here too if you like" you give him a buck-toothed grin.  
"thanks" he smiles and puts his trunk in the overhead luggage with some help from you.  
"thanks for the help, god, that thing weighs a ton. I'm Remus Lupin, by the way" he held out a hand  
"nice to meet you, I'm Peter Pettigrew" you take his hand and shake it. 

You both sit down and start talking, just about parentage and hobbies and all the usual things you talk about when you hope to make friends with someone.

At about 11:58, two more boys come stumbling into your compartment, both are laughing and looking back over their shoulders and you heavily suspect they've just pulled a prank further down the train. They ask if they can hide out here and you and lupin don't see why not because, troublesome as they seem, the two newcomers don't seem bad. 

They introduce themselves as James Potter and Sirius Black as they haul their luggage into overhead racks, then they sit down and the train sets off.

During the journey, James and Sirius explain about the prank they pulled in a fifth year carriage, from what you gathered when you weren't laughing so hard your sides ached, it had involved something to do with smoke pellets and firecrackers. There was a five minute period where you were afraid Lupin would scare them off with a lecture about morals, but all four of you burst out laughing when Sirius informed Lupin he sounded like a teacher.

You have a good feeling about these guys. The only downside nagging in your mind is that there's no way you'll all end up in the same house. You'll probably end up in Hufflepuff, Lupin wouldn't be out of place in Ravenclaw and you'd be prepared to bet a large amount of gold on James and Sirius getting into Gryffindor.

Lupin goes and completely wins yours, James and Sirius' respects when he stands up to the fifth year git who was the recipient of James and Sirius' prank and actually scares him off.  
That guy is perfect for Gryffindor.

To congratulate Lupin on standing up to that tosser, all three of you pitch in to buy a large amount of sweets from the trolley that comes up and down the train every half hour. 

You spend the rest of the journey eating, laughing and joking and pretty sure making bonds that will last your entire school career, if not the rest of your life.

Ah yes. The future looks so bright for you.


	3. Hogwarts, Antics and Animagi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their escapades at Hogwarts.

You'll never know how. But by some miracle, you, James, Remus and Sirius all ended up in Gryffindor. You shared a dorm for the seven years you had together. And you four got up to a lot of mischief together. It was great.

First year: You four immediately make an enemy, a greasy-haired, big nose kid form from Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape. You immediately put that guy in his place and become famous in Gryffindor and infamous with teachers. 

Second year: More bullying Snape, something wasn't right with Lupin as he went missing from time to time. James became seeker for the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Third year: James, Sirius and you finally find out that Lupin's a werewolf and you three become Animagi to keep him company during his monthly transformations, James became a stag, Sirius became a black dog and you became a rat. This also lead to you four creating the Marauders Map, a magical map of Hogwarts, showing where everyone was in the castle which made it easier to plan monthly adventures for when Lupin turned into a werewolf. You also gave each other the nicknames Moony (Remus), Wormtail (you), Padfoot (Sirius) and Prongs (James).

Fourth year: More making Snape the butt of all your jokes and pranks, James gets lovesick over a girl called Lily Evans. You, Padfoot and Moony all insist Lily isn't the right girl for Prongs. Even if you are a little bit delighted when Snivellus Snape, Prongs' love rival, majorly fucks up with her by calling her a mudblood. What a Slimeball.

Fifth year: Lily stands up to Prongs and breaks his heart when she feels things 'go too far' with Snape. Also you four take your OWLS, all of you getting pretty good grades, much to your surprise. (You thought you were fucked wirh potions.)

Sixth year: Prongs and Padfoot secretly get together without telling you and Moony but you both know that /something's/ going on. You follow them around for about six months in rat form to try find out what's going on. No success to both yours and Moony's annoyance.

Seventh year: Prongs and Padfoot finally decide to tell you they are gay and got together last year, you and Moony are both delighted because you were worried about Prongs since Lily broke his heart. You all take your NEWTS (Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests), you all get a decent amount of qualifications.

You leave Hogwarts with a close group of friends, and a lot of fond memories.


	4. Weddings and the beginnings of Dark times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Sirius get married and have a child, with Lily as the surrogate mother.  
> But happy times are ending and the Dark Lord's powers are growing.

Twelve years after leaving Hogwarts, you're all around 28/29. You all went down separate career paths and it rather felt like the time of the Marauders was over.

That was until you all met up at Godric's hollow, where James and Sirius lived together and announced their engagement. You and Moony were still single but were delighted for them and immediately starting asking when the wedding was, they said next November and asked you two if you wanted to be their best men. Well how could you both say no? These men were like brothers to you both. Of course you accepted.

You all had a lot of firewhisky that night. Possibly a bit too much given you all had huge hangovers the next day. Excent Moony, he always was the sensible one.

The wedding took place next November as planned. It was a lovely day, and it warmed your heart to see two of your best friends so happy and in love.

You don't know how, but during their honeymoon, you got yourself involved in a bad crowd. The worst crowd. He who must not be named was growing in power and it was either join his side or die. You didn't want to join his side. You knew you would almost certainly end up betraying your friends. You were not strong enough to resist. You were a coward and a traitor and you deserved to die.

The mid-life crisis you were going through was interrupted when you heard Sirius and James had had a child. A little boy called Harry, when you first saw him, he looked so much like James...But you were shocked when you saw he had the eyes of Lily Evans. Sirius laughed and explained Lily had offered to be their surrogate mother and insisted that although Harry was Lily's son, he was still Harry's loving father.

You and Moony moved to Godric's hollow to be with the Potters and watch Harry grow up. Lily also lived with Sirius and James, just to take care of Harry until he was old enough to not need her. You were wrong about Lily. She's a lovely, caring woman and honestly? A great mother.

You thought you were out of your mid-life crisis, that You Know Who had forgotten about you. That was until he sent his death eaters to ambush you and give you orders. James, Sirius, Lily and Harry were in danger. And it was all your fault.

You had to warn them.  
You wrote a litter letter to Dumbledore. He'd be able to help them.

Dear Dumbledore.  
James and Sirius Potter, their son Harry and Lily Evans are in danger.  
Don't ask how I know this. I just have a feeling that...You Know Who will try and find them. I beg you to help them. I won't watch my friends die.  
I'm scared, Dumbledore. Scared I've made a terrible mistake.  
Please.  
Yours sincerely  
Peter Pettigrew.


	5. Betrayed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pettigrew betrays his friends.  
> They die and it's all his fault.

Dumbledore is a truly great man. You don't deserve his help. But your friends do.

He explains to Sirius, James and Lily that an anonymous source tipped him off that they are in danger and that he will help them go into hiding.

Everything goes smoothly...  
Until James asks YOU to be their secret keeper. No. No no no no no! This won't work. You can't be their secret keeper. They cannot trust their lives to you. Not with who's in contact with you. You try politely to decline and when that doesn't work you beg them to pick Dumbledore as their secret keeper. Unfortunately, you can't give a good reason why not to do it without telling them the truth. Their lives are important but so is their friendship to you. Even if you're the one lying to them.

Eventually though, they persuade you to take on the role. They believe in you. They trust you. And you swear to yourself you will not tell their location to anyone. Not another soul. Not even Voldemort.

Unfortunately, you don't realise that Voldemort has ways and means of getting what he wants. You disappear for a week and are put through hours and hours of torture until you finally crack. And you hate yourself for it.

"GODRIC'S HOLLOW!" you scream as pain from the cruciatus curse rips through your body and your mind. You fall limp as you are released, panting and sobbing as you curl up as small as you can. Your mouth is dry, your lips cracked and chapped. You are in so much pain right now. But your heart hurts the most. You failed.  
"thank you, Wormtail." murmurs the hissing, snake-like voice of Lord Voldemort. You hate him. You hate that voice. You hate the big snake that's currently slithering around you on the floor. But most of all, you hate yourself and how weak you are. You want to apparate straight to Godric's hollow and tell your friends to run and beg them to kill you on the spot. But you're in no fit state to move at all.

 

It's too late when you get there. The house is rubble. You can't see your friends' bodies. You don't know if you want to.  
You jump and nearly attack the person who's hand gently touches your shoulder  
"Peter! Peter calm down, it's me. It's Sirius."  
Your heart leaps. Sirius. Why wasn't he in the house wirh James and Lily? You don't care right now. He's alive.

"why aren't you in there, Padfoot? James....Lily...your son!"  
"James asked me to go out and get milk....thank God I did, eh Wormy?" his voice sounds strong but there are tears in his eyes. He falls to his knees and starts to sob. He lost his husband and the mother of his child and his son all in one- 

Wait. You hear crying. Infant crying. Harry! Sirius' head snaps up and he runs inside. He comes out two minutes later with his son in his arms. Harry seems fine, apart from the lightening shaped cut on his forehead.  
Sirius is crying and hugging his son tightly.  
"How did you survive, little one? The Darkest wizard of all time attacks and you survive...." he murmurs "don't cry...Dad's here, it's all ok..."

Within half an hour, Rubeus Hagrid, Gamekeeper at Hogwarts has come and is telling Sirius he has orders from Dumbledore to take Harry to a safer place. Sirius reluctantly gives Harry up, telling him they'll meet again and that his dad love's him. His dad will always love him.

When Hagrid is gone, you take a deep breath then start talking. He has a right to know. He has every right to know how this happened.  
"This is all my fault."  
"Don't be stupid, Wormy, how the fuck is this your fault?" he looks at you.  
"The Dark Lord tortured me. And I told him where to find you."  
"Not funny, Peter. Now is not the time for-" he sees you're deadly serious and he freezes.  
"You told Lord Voldemort where we were. You TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO TO KILL US?!" he snarls and you step back  
"S-Sirius calm down, calm down, it wasn't my fault I swear-"  
"I LOST MY HUSBAND AND THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD TONIGHT BECAUSE OF YOU! BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO FUCKING WEAK!" he roars.

You run.  
He pursues.

You run until he traps you down an alley. He's furious. Murderous even.  
"you little rat. You betrayed me. Betrayed us. You killed them and now I'm going to kill you." he growls.  
"Sirius, Sirius please listen to yourself, don't kill me, you wouldn't kill me I'm your friend-"  
"not anymore Pettigrew." he growls.

 

In the spilt second before Sirius casts the curse, You pull out a knife and cut off your finger before turning into a rat and running away. The curse Sirius casts kills thirteen Muggles and sends him off to Azkaban.

The Marauders are over.

 

You meet Sirius and Remus again, twelve years later at Hogwarts. Sirius escaped from Azkaban and Remus had been teaching DaDA at Hogwarts that year and you've been posing as Ron Weasly's pet rat for 12 years. They both try to kill you but Harry insists on turning you over the Dementors. You manage to escape though.

 

The year after that, you help your master, who was killed by a curse which backfired thirteen years ago, rise again, killing a Hogwarts student while you're at it. He was the first of many.

 

Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts included another loss for you. Sirius' death. He was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange. Bitch. She killed him while he was fighting side by side with his son. You're glad you weren't there....even if you didn't get to say goodbye....or 'I'm sorry'.

At least he's with James now........

 

And Remus died tonight in the battle. He died fighting and he died fighting besides his wife. Nymphadora Tonks. All your friends died bravely. And they all died hating you.


	6. Your cowardice ends. Tonight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pettigrew thinks about his memories and his regrets and decides he's not going to let anyone down anymore.

You pull away from the pensieve, clutching your head. It's too painful. It's all too painful.

"Are you alright Peter?" asks Dumbledore's portrait, looking at you, concerned.  
"I'm a coward, Dumbledore....I failed everyone and this is all my fault...I'm powerless." you mutter  
"No you are not, Peter. You are the last Marauder of Hogwarts are you not? You know all the secret passages better than Argus Filch."  
"Your point being?" you glare at him.  
"Your friends are dead. But they are still watching over you. Show them you're sorry. Save Harry. Defy Voldemort and make your friends proud."

You stand there for what feels like an hour but is really only thirty seconds.  
And within that thirty seconds you realise several things:  
-You accept your friends deaths were your fault but you shall not let their deaths mean nothing.  
-You could stop this bloodshed. This war.  
-You owe it to your friends to save Harry.  
-You are not weak and you'll show Voldemort how strong you are.  
-Your friends believed in you.

"Dumbledore you're right. I can and am going to do this." you set your face in a determined look.  
Dumbledore just smiles and winks "That's my boy."

You smile, then turn into a rat and leave. 

 

As a rat, you run, dodge and weave through the battle, your smallness and quickness working towards your advantage. You swear you run through the whole castle until you finally find Harry. You turn into a human again and pull out your wand. You manage to block a curse fired at Harry.

"Pettigrew?! What the hell are you doing here?!" he yells  
"I owe your parents big time. I let them down, Harry. I let you down. And I'm here to try to help."  
"but....Why? What's in it for you?" he clearly doesn't trust you.  
"Dumbledore asked me to....plus at least this way, if I ever see your parents again, I have a chance  
at their forgiveness."  
He looks at you, shocked. Then he nods slowly.  
"Alright. I'm glad you chose the right side."

 

As you fight with Harry, you see images in your head: Sirius, James and Lupin, all smiling and cheering you on.

"I'm sorry for doubting you" says Lupin  
"Thank you for for protecting him" smiles James  
"Nice shot, Wormy!" grins Sirius 

And other things like that, it gives you hope and strength and reminds you that you can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS. FOR THE MARAUDERS.

Harry stops when you collapse against the wall, clutching your head, but you tell him  
"go, Harry, go! Hogwarts needs you!"  
"Ok...but thank you." he whispered  
"I'm sorry....." is all you say before he runs off.

You cry out and clutch your head again as Lord Voldemort speaks to you. And he sounds cross.  
"I had you down as a lot of things, Wormtail, but a traitor?! No."  
"Get out of my head you foul git." you growl  
"you betrayed me, Peter. I don't like having traitors on my side." he hisses.  
"I'm not on your side anymore. I'm on the side I should have been on from the start. I'm on Dumbledore's side."  
It chills you to the core to hear him laugh.  
"No. Heheheh no. You're not on Dumbledore's side. The only side you're on, is the side of the fallen."  
"So kill me."  
"oh I will."

The metal hand Voldemort gave you after sacrificing your own to bring him back closes around your throat, cutting off your airways. You cough and try to struggle, to get the hand off your throat. But you can't. His cackling fills your head and you're terrified that it's the last thing you're ever going to hear.

Until you hear your friends and see their faces as you struggle to keep your eyes open. They're all smiling at you, smiling so warmly it brings tears to your eyes.

"Let go, Peter, you don't have to hold on anymore" says Lupin gently  
"Come back to us, you've proven yourself to be on our side all along...." whispers James  
"It's not the Marauders without you, Wormy. We forgive you and want you back" murmurs Sirius

You're crying quietly, reaching out to them as you fall into darkness.


	7. A long-awaited Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter sees his friends after a long time apart.

"Should we wake him up yet?"  
"I don't know, we could pull a prank on him?"  
"Prongs that's mean!"

That's the conversation you hear before opening your eyes. Your mind's a mess and your vision is hazy. From what you can tell you're in a very comfortable bed and wearing pyjamas. When your vision clears you find yourself in your old dormitory in Gryffindor tower. And talking on the bed next to yours are your friends....or their 17 year old selves at least. Glancing in the mirror in your dorm, you see you're 17 years old again too. Was the battle and everything that happened a dream? 

You don't have time worry about that because Sirius, James and Remus have noticed you're awake and before you realise it, they sneak up on you and bombard you with pillows. When they finally stopped you were all laughing and breathing hard.

"Welcome back, Wormy" grinned James.  
Oh. So it had all happened. Your smiled smile fell.  
"I...can't even begin to apologise enough" you whisper.  
"Wormy don't worry about it" said Sirius and Lupin in unison.  
"it's cool, bro, chill." smiled James.  
"you're.....you're sure?" you whisper. 

They all hit you with the pillows again and you know everything's ok.

"so....we're 17 again?" you start  
"yeah, isn't it great?" replies Sirius  
"talk about returning to our Glory Years" smiles James  
"It's certainly good to be back in better times" agrees Lupin.  
"I'm just glad to see you two back together" you say to James and Sirius, who grin and then kiss each other.  
"right I'm getting out the Butterbeer" says Lupin, which is met with cheers from the three of you.

You lay on your bed for a moment instead of following your three best friends.

They forgive you.  
They welcome your return with open arms.  
And possibly best of all,

The Marauders are back together.  
For Always.

You hear bottles clank in the next room and hear Padfoot say  
"to Wormy's return- Wait where is he?"  
"I don't know" you can almost hear the smirk in James' voice "let's go get him"

You grab a pillow to defend yourself as you hear your friends running towards you.


End file.
